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Thursday, April 23, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
THE LIFE-STYLE CHALLENGE - A Mini Quiz From YOUR SEARCH FOR A MEANINGFUL LIFE
The midway barker at the Minnesota State Fair didn't look much like a scholar. His fingernails were ragged and dirty and a broken tooth gave him a cynical and somewhat sinister leer. Tough Tony Gallo seemed an unlikely source from whom to learn about developing a fulfilling life. Nevertheless, he went right to one of the major elements of consistent satisfaction when he explained:
There you have it in a nutshell! Tony had just relieved Jard of several dollars in a futile attempt to win a stuffed panda for a granddaughter at his milk bottle toss game. Neither Jard's arm nor his aim is what either was in his youth but he was pleased with the transaction. After all, in these days of expensive psychotherapy, that was a cheap price for such excellent counsel about living joyously.
As our philosophical counselor with dirty fingernails so thoughtfully stated, each successful life has an ongoing flow that must be understood, even embraced, if we are to find a consistent sense of meaning and belonging through the powers we possess to invest in excellence. We can fulfill our potentialities only as we mature through more and more complex activities and satisfying relationships. As Tony said -- There ain’t no reverse gear.
As we have written, we humans have created a narcissistic, too pragmatic life-style that frustrates and alienates men and women and no one is automatically exempted from the lack of meaning and belonging inherent in a secular approach to satisfaction. Too many people try to get along without committing themselves to anything more meaningful or more permanent than their possessions, pleasure, prestige and power. They have naively accepted the unexamined assumption of this age that life can be made great by living through the physical and psychological aspects of existence while ignoring the spiritual or philosophical elements of life. That makes them like a person trying to relax comfortably on a two legged stool. One cannot do it, for he or she remains continually off balance without the philosophical factor in place. Living wisely - through the physical, psychological and philosophical aspects of life is vital. We knew two men who demonstrated extraordinarily well the need to mature spiritually in all aspects of life.
Bruce Bedow was a long time super-star running back in the National Football League. He lived the dream of countless young men as he set many records on the playing field. He relished proving him¬self superior to his opponents in their contests of skill and strength. Bruce especially loved the life-style of a professional athlete with admiring reporters, cheering crowds and nubile young women to whom he could relate from prestige and power rather than through mutual respect and responsibility. He boasted to his friends he'd had sex with a thousand women in his first few years of professional football. It was an adolescent male fantasy come true based on his physical ability and he is fortunate that he didn't contract AIDS as basketball star Magic Johnson did through his own irresponsible sexual choices. O.J. Simpson isn't the only wealthy celebrity to discover that cops, prosecutors and judges will bend and break the laws of their community to protect him. The multi-millionaire heir of a large grocery chain in Minneapolis shot to death his ex-wife and her lover and left the bodies in his lakeside mansion. It took the police two weeks to decide whether or not to arrest the millionaire murderer and then the city attorney politely requested he come in with his attorney. He could hardly be expected to issue an arrest warrant for a member of his own country club -- as he would for the police to haul in a hungry kid who'd stolen a bag of potato chips at one of the millionaire's stores!
The adults in Bruce's life - parents, coaches, community and school officials as well as the professional team's owners, helped freeze him in the long adolescence of professional sports. His sports fanatic father encouraged him to practice football rather than to study for his classes. When he failed a course, his high school principal changed the grade so he could continue playing on the team. The city police chief tore up many speeding and drunken driving tickets and the district attorney refused to follow up allegations by girls that he'd sexually assaulted them. Not only was Brace taught he was above the usual interactions and responsibilities of life, he failed to master the thousand and one ordinary tasks that make life run smoothly for people. The professional football team hired people to do his laundry, to clean his apartment, to drive his cars and to pay his bills. His attorneys soothed angry women he'd used and abused. They settled many barroom fights and cared for everything that would distract him from gaining a hundred yards on the playing field each week. His growth as a person was the last thing on anyone's mind. Bruce played pro football extraordinarily well but time took its toll and disaster struck.
Bruce tore an Achilles tendon and after ten years as a NFL hero, could no longer play the game that he loved more than his own maturity. Overnight, it seemed to him, the cheering ended, the reporters went away and girls no longer flocked to him. His money stopped coming and so did the nannies. The limousines vanished and he was lost in a world he understood not at all. For years Bruce haunted the stadium during games like a restless ghost and now works in a bar for a few dollars an hour and tips. His three marriages fell apart because he'd never learned how to relate to women as individuals of worth rather than as objects of his personal pleasure. A great many young men destroy their relationships with similar selfish attitudes about women. Once she saw past his fame, no strong, competent woman wanted anything to do with so self-centered a male. She could see he was a perpetual adolescent rather than a real person. Bruce recently told a reporter he'd give ten years to play one more season of professional ball. This tragic, unhappy man froze with a nihilistic approach to fife; he stopped pedaling his bicycle uphill and it has crippled him. And while the many people who used him for their personal reasons contributed to his unhappiness, the ultimate responsibility for his growth was always his own. One of his professional teammates understood this very well.
Crazy A J Johnson was considered by many sports writers and coaches to be the best defensive back in the NFL at the time. His game was so intense and wild that despite being rather small for a professional, A J was an impact player who could win a game on a single play with a timely interception. When a Vikings running back was being chided for letting A J ruin his game one Sunday, he shrugged and said:
Although a fearless and fearsome competitor on the field -- and given to outlandish stories and quips that kept him prominent in the media -- A J took the big money but chose wisely for life after football. When Bruce and the boys went out boozing and picking up girls, he came home to his wife and the kids and his textbooks. He remained committed to his church and served in several community activities. He completed his M A degree and about the time he could no longer play pro ball, successfully defended his PhD dissertation to his graduate committee. Without missing a beat, wild and crazy A J the roughneck hero, became the much respected Doctor Johnson who serves quite well in a superb college with young people coming out of the ghetto he escaped by harnessing first his physical and then his mental powers along lines of excellence. A J is still pedaling along while Bruce has coasted to a stop so far as a meaningful life goes. You must do the same if you want consistent satisfaction for yourself, your family, your organization and your community.
Complete Self Focus-1. If you are completing this as a self-study course, write out your answers to the questions. If you are studying in a group, choose a small group leader to lead the discussion of the questions. Spend just a few minutes on them.
SELF FOCUS - 1
WHY DID BRUCE FAIL AND A J SUCCEED IN PLAYING THE GREATER GAME OF LIFE WHEN THEY BOTH LIVED THE DREAM OF COUNTLESS YOUNG MEN?
DO YOU THINK THAT WOMEN OR MEN FACE GREATER CHALLENGES WHEN TRYING TO WIN CONSISTENT FULFILLMENT?
LIFE'S SORTA LIKE RIDIN' A BICYCLE UPHILL. YA GOTTA KEEP PEDALING ALONG OR YA GOTTA STOP AND GET OFF. THERE AIN'T NO REVERSE GEAR AND YA GOTTA KEEP YER BALANCE.
There you have it in a nutshell! Tony had just relieved Jard of several dollars in a futile attempt to win a stuffed panda for a granddaughter at his milk bottle toss game. Neither Jard's arm nor his aim is what either was in his youth but he was pleased with the transaction. After all, in these days of expensive psychotherapy, that was a cheap price for such excellent counsel about living joyously.
As our philosophical counselor with dirty fingernails so thoughtfully stated, each successful life has an ongoing flow that must be understood, even embraced, if we are to find a consistent sense of meaning and belonging through the powers we possess to invest in excellence. We can fulfill our potentialities only as we mature through more and more complex activities and satisfying relationships. As Tony said -- There ain’t no reverse gear.
As we have written, we humans have created a narcissistic, too pragmatic life-style that frustrates and alienates men and women and no one is automatically exempted from the lack of meaning and belonging inherent in a secular approach to satisfaction. Too many people try to get along without committing themselves to anything more meaningful or more permanent than their possessions, pleasure, prestige and power. They have naively accepted the unexamined assumption of this age that life can be made great by living through the physical and psychological aspects of existence while ignoring the spiritual or philosophical elements of life. That makes them like a person trying to relax comfortably on a two legged stool. One cannot do it, for he or she remains continually off balance without the philosophical factor in place. Living wisely - through the physical, psychological and philosophical aspects of life is vital. We knew two men who demonstrated extraordinarily well the need to mature spiritually in all aspects of life.
Bruce Bedow was a long time super-star running back in the National Football League. He lived the dream of countless young men as he set many records on the playing field. He relished proving him¬self superior to his opponents in their contests of skill and strength. Bruce especially loved the life-style of a professional athlete with admiring reporters, cheering crowds and nubile young women to whom he could relate from prestige and power rather than through mutual respect and responsibility. He boasted to his friends he'd had sex with a thousand women in his first few years of professional football. It was an adolescent male fantasy come true based on his physical ability and he is fortunate that he didn't contract AIDS as basketball star Magic Johnson did through his own irresponsible sexual choices. O.J. Simpson isn't the only wealthy celebrity to discover that cops, prosecutors and judges will bend and break the laws of their community to protect him. The multi-millionaire heir of a large grocery chain in Minneapolis shot to death his ex-wife and her lover and left the bodies in his lakeside mansion. It took the police two weeks to decide whether or not to arrest the millionaire murderer and then the city attorney politely requested he come in with his attorney. He could hardly be expected to issue an arrest warrant for a member of his own country club -- as he would for the police to haul in a hungry kid who'd stolen a bag of potato chips at one of the millionaire's stores!
The adults in Bruce's life - parents, coaches, community and school officials as well as the professional team's owners, helped freeze him in the long adolescence of professional sports. His sports fanatic father encouraged him to practice football rather than to study for his classes. When he failed a course, his high school principal changed the grade so he could continue playing on the team. The city police chief tore up many speeding and drunken driving tickets and the district attorney refused to follow up allegations by girls that he'd sexually assaulted them. Not only was Brace taught he was above the usual interactions and responsibilities of life, he failed to master the thousand and one ordinary tasks that make life run smoothly for people. The professional football team hired people to do his laundry, to clean his apartment, to drive his cars and to pay his bills. His attorneys soothed angry women he'd used and abused. They settled many barroom fights and cared for everything that would distract him from gaining a hundred yards on the playing field each week. His growth as a person was the last thing on anyone's mind. Bruce played pro football extraordinarily well but time took its toll and disaster struck.
Bruce tore an Achilles tendon and after ten years as a NFL hero, could no longer play the game that he loved more than his own maturity. Overnight, it seemed to him, the cheering ended, the reporters went away and girls no longer flocked to him. His money stopped coming and so did the nannies. The limousines vanished and he was lost in a world he understood not at all. For years Bruce haunted the stadium during games like a restless ghost and now works in a bar for a few dollars an hour and tips. His three marriages fell apart because he'd never learned how to relate to women as individuals of worth rather than as objects of his personal pleasure. A great many young men destroy their relationships with similar selfish attitudes about women. Once she saw past his fame, no strong, competent woman wanted anything to do with so self-centered a male. She could see he was a perpetual adolescent rather than a real person. Bruce recently told a reporter he'd give ten years to play one more season of professional ball. This tragic, unhappy man froze with a nihilistic approach to fife; he stopped pedaling his bicycle uphill and it has crippled him. And while the many people who used him for their personal reasons contributed to his unhappiness, the ultimate responsibility for his growth was always his own. One of his professional teammates understood this very well.
Crazy A J Johnson was considered by many sports writers and coaches to be the best defensive back in the NFL at the time. His game was so intense and wild that despite being rather small for a professional, A J was an impact player who could win a game on a single play with a timely interception. When a Vikings running back was being chided for letting A J ruin his game one Sunday, he shrugged and said:
I KNOW A J ISN'T VERY BIG BUT IT'S REALLY AWKWARD TRYING TO RUN WITH HIS HUNDRED SEVENTY POUNDS WRAPPED AROUND YOUR HEAD.
Although a fearless and fearsome competitor on the field -- and given to outlandish stories and quips that kept him prominent in the media -- A J took the big money but chose wisely for life after football. When Bruce and the boys went out boozing and picking up girls, he came home to his wife and the kids and his textbooks. He remained committed to his church and served in several community activities. He completed his M A degree and about the time he could no longer play pro ball, successfully defended his PhD dissertation to his graduate committee. Without missing a beat, wild and crazy A J the roughneck hero, became the much respected Doctor Johnson who serves quite well in a superb college with young people coming out of the ghetto he escaped by harnessing first his physical and then his mental powers along lines of excellence. A J is still pedaling along while Bruce has coasted to a stop so far as a meaningful life goes. You must do the same if you want consistent satisfaction for yourself, your family, your organization and your community.
Complete Self Focus-1. If you are completing this as a self-study course, write out your answers to the questions. If you are studying in a group, choose a small group leader to lead the discussion of the questions. Spend just a few minutes on them.
SELF FOCUS - 1
WHY DID BRUCE FAIL AND A J SUCCEED IN PLAYING THE GREATER GAME OF LIFE WHEN THEY BOTH LIVED THE DREAM OF COUNTLESS YOUNG MEN?
DO YOU THINK THAT WOMEN OR MEN FACE GREATER CHALLENGES WHEN TRYING TO WIN CONSISTENT FULFILLMENT?
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
THE LOVE PYRAMID - Mini Course
We must insist on this right here -- up front. As St. Paul and many other brilliant scholars of the human condition told us, a satisfying life must combine faith, hope and love -- with the greatest element of all being love.
Certainly we have found nothing that even remotely takes the place of love in our lives and our relationships with each other, our children, their children and their children's kids. With love, virtually everything falls into place. Without love, nothing fits well into the mosaic of a meaningful life.
Also, after everything else you can say about humans -- after discussing the personality patterns, life-themes, values, attitudes and expectations we write about, we agree with psychological great -- Carl Rogers and with John the Beloved Disciple. There are only two kinds of people in the world. The two are not black and white, rich and poor or even male and female, as much as we appreciate that last arrangement that seems especially created for our benefit.
There are only persons who are capable of loving others and persons who do not love anyone except those who in one way or another contribute something of value to themselves.
A vital factor we must discuss in the beginning is that while the love and sexual intimacy a couple shares is vital to satisfaction, the physical attractions of our youthful years are never enough to carry a man and woman through a life-time. In our FULFILLMENT course, a companion program to this, we have written extensively about existential frustration and alienation that occurs when men and women fail to find a consistent sense of purpose in their lives. We cannot even find happiness by seeking it -- happiness is a fleeting by-product of living a consistently meaningful life. Like sleep during a restless night, the harder we pursue happiness, the faster it flees from us. When we spend our years seeking happiness through pleasure, possessions, prestige and power -- lacking a sense of purpose in our activities and permanence in our relationships, life remains secular and pointless and becomes conflicted with confusion and discouragement. And that is simply too much to expect the sexual relationship of a man and woman to overcome. Humans need more -- we believe that each person requires the crucial support that comes from living a complete life -- that occurs through:
Worshipping devoutly, relating warmly, serving faithfully, learning wisely, persevering bravely and playing enthusiastically.
Unless we develop mature attitudes and high expectations, no marriage can succeed. Most young couples who divorce and put their children under great stress simply abandon their marriages much too soon. There is a great deal to be said for toughing it out through the learning curve, for becoming better partners rather than shopping around for some wonderful and perfect lover who will cater to your every whim. You shall have to become a spiritually maturing person to whom your partner can relate in love and friendship, without becoming your stooge. Hang on until both lovers become more maturity along life's journey. Actually, in marriage as in most of life, much satisfaction comes from showing up when needed, just being there on time for the people who love you.
A loving couple that matures in faith, hope and love, through grace within the physical, psychological and philosophical aspects of life, will love far more deeply than they did during the simplistic and usually naive sexual urges of youth.
THE LOVE PYRAMID
To be at its best, love must mature up through the motivational pyramid shown here. To stop in one of the lower tiers is to limit the joy a person can enjoy in a lasting relationship.
Becoming *** PHILOSOPHICAL *** Purpose/Permanence
Doing *** PSYCHOLOGICAL *** Power/Prestige
Having *** PHYSICAL *** Pleasure/Pain
PHYSICAL LOVE -- (Pleasure/Pain) Love that is limited to the physical aspects of a relationship is focused largely on arousal, passion and tension release. It makes little difference who the partner is. Any compliant body can be used, for the person is secondary to the pleasure being received by the user. Such physical passion can be shifted from one sexual supplier to another with little or no regret or concern, from one seduction to the next, as Joe Namath boasted when he slept with a thousand women in his first few years of playing professional football. Such a person can go from one prostitute to another, from one singles bar to the next, from a tryst with one lover to a new one. One night stands, sexual fantasies, pornographic movies and books and wily seductions occur within the physical aspects of love. When one person is used for another's pleasure, even if both agree in advance, it is little more than mutual masturbation. If the other person is abused or damaged in the relationship, he or she can be discarded and replaced with no more regret than for a piece of malfunctioning machinery. Many adolescents, in the first wild rush of sexuality, relate to one another at this primitive level. Unfortunately, many adults fail to mature beyond it. They continue romancing, marrying, divorcing and romancing again in a madcap search for a perfect partner, chasing the wild excitement of youth in a stage that needs a lot more stability in order to be satisfying.
Only this morning as this chapter is being written, we attended the funeral of a friend who made a great deal of money through his knowledge and energy. Donald Knopf was as hard a worker as we've ever known, not only for himself but for the poor and needy of the community. He gave an enormous amount of time and money to helping people with problems. Nevertheless, as his friends and relatives filled the front pews, we've never seen such a complex mix of brothers and sisters, half sisters and brothers, cousins, in-laws and former wives in our lives. At the age of fifty-five Don was still falling in and out of love like a teen-ager, still drifting from one woman to the next, giving her several children before falling out of love and seeking a better partner. He never did think in terms of becoming a better husband and father rather than wanting a perfect lover who would let him feel the sexual excitement of youth again. He never matured into the second and third tier of a loving relationship and if he enjoyed a long succession of sexual partners, his dozen children from several families have had a difficult time growing up without a father.
PSYCHOLOGICAL LOVE -- (Power/Prestige) In this aspect of a relationship, physical arousal, pleasure and satiation occurs as in the physical but the affection doesn't stop there. This is a deeper relationship that binds lovers together as they mature through the more complex needs and activities of adult love. The lovers not only desire one another for what each offers, but both have a deeper investment in the other's health and happiness. They trust each other with their egos, because loving another person makes you vulnerable as well as calling up protective feelings. This is the level at which many good marriages and love affairs function, especially in the more mellow middle years and while the lovers do care deeply about each other, they may still have difficult times. After all, while you and your lover love each other, differences of opinion and a variety of needs remain. Few couples never quarrel just because they love one another. Jard knew two young people who lived together as lovers without making the final commitment of marriage. Mildred was a graduate student in psychology and Henry an executive in a huge corporation. She said, when she was being offered a teaching and research job in a distant university:
I love Harry, I really do, but he cannot leave town with me. Changing companies now would cost him a vice-presidency at 3 M and I cannot ask for that. But then, I cannot see that my research and teaching about childhood learning is any less importance to society than selling glue and sandpaper. If I insisted he come to Columbus, he's soon resent me and If I turned down my offer there to stay here with him, I'd soon feel I'd given up too much after having worked so hard for my doctorate. I have to be true to my own vision of a fulfilling life.
Millie and Harry flew back and forth for a year or so but eventually drifted apart and met and married other lovers. Perhaps it was just as well they found someone else, for their careers meant more to them when they separated than the relationship.
PHILOSOPHICAL LOVE -- (Purpose/Permanence) This third aspect of love includes the passion from the physical and the sense of belonging from the psychological as it continues to include crucial spiritual elements of a lasting love relationship. The lovers have matured beyond the limitations of psychological games that cause pain to become tender and compassionate. They live with a lasting sense of purpose and permanence in the affair for they know they belong together for life. The lovers support each other against all attackers; see the relationship as being spiritual and having mystical overtones. There is neither a desire to find a substitute sexual partner nor a determination to play a dominance game through which the lover is manipulated and used. Such a love affair has taken on a lovely patina of faith, hope and love as well as grace, a glow that is shared in mutual satisfaction. The development of love at this level takes time, although for many it comes long before the later stages of one's life. The whirling of two eccentric personalities around different centers of gravity sooner or later abraid a loving fit although for some time it may include considerable smoke and flying sparks!
To best focus your love in the philosophical aspects of life, mature as a person and behave as a loving soul:
BECOME WARM AND ACCEPTING OF YOUR LOVER -- Perceive the other as a viable and independent personality rather than as a second rate appendage to yourself.
BECOME ENCOURAGING AND SUPPORTIVE OF KEY CHOICES -- Help your lover become more and more knowledgeable and wise about life's opportunities.
BECOME TOLERANT OF LIFE'S INEVITABLE GROWTH FRICTION -- No two persons ever mature at the same rate - one will grow, causing tension and only later will the other catch up.
It's common for psychologists and counselors to recommend we accept the people we love for what they are. However, that isn't good enough for by accepting them as they already are, we may be condemning them to mediocrity. We must accept the persons we help for what they have the potential to become. Don't nag, of course, but help others mature consistently through the channels of fulfillment. Your spouse, your children and your friends and relatives deserve this of you.
Always accept the fact that you can control only one half of a relationship, your half, while your lover controls his or her half. Trying to control another adult's half is a quick step to a relationship disaster for no individual worthy of love and respect will let a neurotic control freak dominate themselves, their children and their choices.
Remember;
The only way two lovers can agree all the time is when one them stops thinking.
The only way to keep an accepting lover is to become an accepting lover.
The fact that we disagree and occasionally quarrel doesn't mean we are not in love.
Two people in the very elastic harness of marriage seldom mature at the same rate and that spells trouble in many relationships. A woman who's been a secretary for twenty years and comes home one evening to announce she's been accepted in a law school program is rocking her family's boat. So is the middle manager who informs his kids, attending an exclusive and expensive private school, that he's taking a year off work to write a novel, that they'll have to attend a public school and stop buying designer clothes.
Growth friction can be compared to movement between the earth's great tectonic plates. The silent, hidden movement can be so slow as to remain invisible for a long time although stresses keep building. Finally, the pressures become greater than the resistance and the landscape lurches into motion as an earthquake. Sometimes windows are broken and crockery smashed. Some long-standing buildings cannot take the strain and they collapse. Just as many marriages do when the relationship cannot stand the changes occurring in them because the lovers mature at different speeds and in different directions.
PROJECT ONE -- LOVE LEVEL IDENTIFICATION
To discover the level of your love for another person, physical, psychological or philosophical, in the pleasure/pain, power/prestige or purpose/permanence aspects of existence, complete this project.
FIRST -- Relax comfortably in a chair or on a bed.
Visualize in your mind the image of the person you now love or most recently loved in an adult relationship. Think of the reasons you loved this person, recall his or her good points in the physical, psychological and philosophical aspects of life. Fix the image of that lover firmly in your mind.
SECOND -- Accept the fact or a terrible tragedy.
Through an automobile accident or an unexpected illness, your lover dies suddenly. He or she is gone - there's no doubt about it. You are left alone. Accept your loss, mourn it deeply, feel frustration and anger but in time you realize you must continue living. There is your job to do and children to love, friends to support -- so you start adapting despite the deep loss.
THIRD -- Receive a great gift from God.
Through the remarkable science of cloning, God offers you a perfect double of that dear, lost lover. The clone is perfect in every detail. He or she looks talks and thinks like the lover, makes love the same way and supports you in the same manner. He or she wants your support also.
There is only one catch in your miracle. You and your newly restored lover didn't share the mutual experiences and relationships you had in the past. Both the good and the bad are missing from the relationship you and your original lover shared. You are starting at square one now.
NOW -- To identify the level at which your current love is operating, transfer your love to the newly cloned lover. Tell how you shall do that.
If you can readily transfer your love to the new lover, your love is operating at the pleasure/pain or physical level.
If your love can be transferred with some new experiences and a growing relationship, it is functioning at the power/prestige or psychological level.
If your love cannot be transferred without an entire galaxy of mutually satisfying experiences, your love is currently at the purpose/permanence or the philosophical level.
Certainly we have found nothing that even remotely takes the place of love in our lives and our relationships with each other, our children, their children and their children's kids. With love, virtually everything falls into place. Without love, nothing fits well into the mosaic of a meaningful life.
Also, after everything else you can say about humans -- after discussing the personality patterns, life-themes, values, attitudes and expectations we write about, we agree with psychological great -- Carl Rogers and with John the Beloved Disciple. There are only two kinds of people in the world. The two are not black and white, rich and poor or even male and female, as much as we appreciate that last arrangement that seems especially created for our benefit.
There are only persons who are capable of loving others and persons who do not love anyone except those who in one way or another contribute something of value to themselves.
A vital factor we must discuss in the beginning is that while the love and sexual intimacy a couple shares is vital to satisfaction, the physical attractions of our youthful years are never enough to carry a man and woman through a life-time. In our FULFILLMENT course, a companion program to this, we have written extensively about existential frustration and alienation that occurs when men and women fail to find a consistent sense of purpose in their lives. We cannot even find happiness by seeking it -- happiness is a fleeting by-product of living a consistently meaningful life. Like sleep during a restless night, the harder we pursue happiness, the faster it flees from us. When we spend our years seeking happiness through pleasure, possessions, prestige and power -- lacking a sense of purpose in our activities and permanence in our relationships, life remains secular and pointless and becomes conflicted with confusion and discouragement. And that is simply too much to expect the sexual relationship of a man and woman to overcome. Humans need more -- we believe that each person requires the crucial support that comes from living a complete life -- that occurs through:
Worshipping devoutly, relating warmly, serving faithfully, learning wisely, persevering bravely and playing enthusiastically.
Unless we develop mature attitudes and high expectations, no marriage can succeed. Most young couples who divorce and put their children under great stress simply abandon their marriages much too soon. There is a great deal to be said for toughing it out through the learning curve, for becoming better partners rather than shopping around for some wonderful and perfect lover who will cater to your every whim. You shall have to become a spiritually maturing person to whom your partner can relate in love and friendship, without becoming your stooge. Hang on until both lovers become more maturity along life's journey. Actually, in marriage as in most of life, much satisfaction comes from showing up when needed, just being there on time for the people who love you.
A loving couple that matures in faith, hope and love, through grace within the physical, psychological and philosophical aspects of life, will love far more deeply than they did during the simplistic and usually naive sexual urges of youth.
THE LOVE PYRAMID
To be at its best, love must mature up through the motivational pyramid shown here. To stop in one of the lower tiers is to limit the joy a person can enjoy in a lasting relationship.
Becoming *** PHILOSOPHICAL *** Purpose/Permanence
Doing *** PSYCHOLOGICAL *** Power/Prestige
Having *** PHYSICAL *** Pleasure/Pain
PHYSICAL LOVE -- (Pleasure/Pain) Love that is limited to the physical aspects of a relationship is focused largely on arousal, passion and tension release. It makes little difference who the partner is. Any compliant body can be used, for the person is secondary to the pleasure being received by the user. Such physical passion can be shifted from one sexual supplier to another with little or no regret or concern, from one seduction to the next, as Joe Namath boasted when he slept with a thousand women in his first few years of playing professional football. Such a person can go from one prostitute to another, from one singles bar to the next, from a tryst with one lover to a new one. One night stands, sexual fantasies, pornographic movies and books and wily seductions occur within the physical aspects of love. When one person is used for another's pleasure, even if both agree in advance, it is little more than mutual masturbation. If the other person is abused or damaged in the relationship, he or she can be discarded and replaced with no more regret than for a piece of malfunctioning machinery. Many adolescents, in the first wild rush of sexuality, relate to one another at this primitive level. Unfortunately, many adults fail to mature beyond it. They continue romancing, marrying, divorcing and romancing again in a madcap search for a perfect partner, chasing the wild excitement of youth in a stage that needs a lot more stability in order to be satisfying.
Only this morning as this chapter is being written, we attended the funeral of a friend who made a great deal of money through his knowledge and energy. Donald Knopf was as hard a worker as we've ever known, not only for himself but for the poor and needy of the community. He gave an enormous amount of time and money to helping people with problems. Nevertheless, as his friends and relatives filled the front pews, we've never seen such a complex mix of brothers and sisters, half sisters and brothers, cousins, in-laws and former wives in our lives. At the age of fifty-five Don was still falling in and out of love like a teen-ager, still drifting from one woman to the next, giving her several children before falling out of love and seeking a better partner. He never did think in terms of becoming a better husband and father rather than wanting a perfect lover who would let him feel the sexual excitement of youth again. He never matured into the second and third tier of a loving relationship and if he enjoyed a long succession of sexual partners, his dozen children from several families have had a difficult time growing up without a father.
PSYCHOLOGICAL LOVE -- (Power/Prestige) In this aspect of a relationship, physical arousal, pleasure and satiation occurs as in the physical but the affection doesn't stop there. This is a deeper relationship that binds lovers together as they mature through the more complex needs and activities of adult love. The lovers not only desire one another for what each offers, but both have a deeper investment in the other's health and happiness. They trust each other with their egos, because loving another person makes you vulnerable as well as calling up protective feelings. This is the level at which many good marriages and love affairs function, especially in the more mellow middle years and while the lovers do care deeply about each other, they may still have difficult times. After all, while you and your lover love each other, differences of opinion and a variety of needs remain. Few couples never quarrel just because they love one another. Jard knew two young people who lived together as lovers without making the final commitment of marriage. Mildred was a graduate student in psychology and Henry an executive in a huge corporation. She said, when she was being offered a teaching and research job in a distant university:
I love Harry, I really do, but he cannot leave town with me. Changing companies now would cost him a vice-presidency at 3 M and I cannot ask for that. But then, I cannot see that my research and teaching about childhood learning is any less importance to society than selling glue and sandpaper. If I insisted he come to Columbus, he's soon resent me and If I turned down my offer there to stay here with him, I'd soon feel I'd given up too much after having worked so hard for my doctorate. I have to be true to my own vision of a fulfilling life.
Millie and Harry flew back and forth for a year or so but eventually drifted apart and met and married other lovers. Perhaps it was just as well they found someone else, for their careers meant more to them when they separated than the relationship.
PHILOSOPHICAL LOVE -- (Purpose/Permanence) This third aspect of love includes the passion from the physical and the sense of belonging from the psychological as it continues to include crucial spiritual elements of a lasting love relationship. The lovers have matured beyond the limitations of psychological games that cause pain to become tender and compassionate. They live with a lasting sense of purpose and permanence in the affair for they know they belong together for life. The lovers support each other against all attackers; see the relationship as being spiritual and having mystical overtones. There is neither a desire to find a substitute sexual partner nor a determination to play a dominance game through which the lover is manipulated and used. Such a love affair has taken on a lovely patina of faith, hope and love as well as grace, a glow that is shared in mutual satisfaction. The development of love at this level takes time, although for many it comes long before the later stages of one's life. The whirling of two eccentric personalities around different centers of gravity sooner or later abraid a loving fit although for some time it may include considerable smoke and flying sparks!
To best focus your love in the philosophical aspects of life, mature as a person and behave as a loving soul:
BECOME WARM AND ACCEPTING OF YOUR LOVER -- Perceive the other as a viable and independent personality rather than as a second rate appendage to yourself.
BECOME ENCOURAGING AND SUPPORTIVE OF KEY CHOICES -- Help your lover become more and more knowledgeable and wise about life's opportunities.
BECOME TOLERANT OF LIFE'S INEVITABLE GROWTH FRICTION -- No two persons ever mature at the same rate - one will grow, causing tension and only later will the other catch up.
It's common for psychologists and counselors to recommend we accept the people we love for what they are. However, that isn't good enough for by accepting them as they already are, we may be condemning them to mediocrity. We must accept the persons we help for what they have the potential to become. Don't nag, of course, but help others mature consistently through the channels of fulfillment. Your spouse, your children and your friends and relatives deserve this of you.
Always accept the fact that you can control only one half of a relationship, your half, while your lover controls his or her half. Trying to control another adult's half is a quick step to a relationship disaster for no individual worthy of love and respect will let a neurotic control freak dominate themselves, their children and their choices.
Remember;
The only way two lovers can agree all the time is when one them stops thinking.
The only way to keep an accepting lover is to become an accepting lover.
The fact that we disagree and occasionally quarrel doesn't mean we are not in love.
Two people in the very elastic harness of marriage seldom mature at the same rate and that spells trouble in many relationships. A woman who's been a secretary for twenty years and comes home one evening to announce she's been accepted in a law school program is rocking her family's boat. So is the middle manager who informs his kids, attending an exclusive and expensive private school, that he's taking a year off work to write a novel, that they'll have to attend a public school and stop buying designer clothes.
Growth friction can be compared to movement between the earth's great tectonic plates. The silent, hidden movement can be so slow as to remain invisible for a long time although stresses keep building. Finally, the pressures become greater than the resistance and the landscape lurches into motion as an earthquake. Sometimes windows are broken and crockery smashed. Some long-standing buildings cannot take the strain and they collapse. Just as many marriages do when the relationship cannot stand the changes occurring in them because the lovers mature at different speeds and in different directions.
PROJECT ONE -- LOVE LEVEL IDENTIFICATION
To discover the level of your love for another person, physical, psychological or philosophical, in the pleasure/pain, power/prestige or purpose/permanence aspects of existence, complete this project.
FIRST -- Relax comfortably in a chair or on a bed.
Visualize in your mind the image of the person you now love or most recently loved in an adult relationship. Think of the reasons you loved this person, recall his or her good points in the physical, psychological and philosophical aspects of life. Fix the image of that lover firmly in your mind.
SECOND -- Accept the fact or a terrible tragedy.
Through an automobile accident or an unexpected illness, your lover dies suddenly. He or she is gone - there's no doubt about it. You are left alone. Accept your loss, mourn it deeply, feel frustration and anger but in time you realize you must continue living. There is your job to do and children to love, friends to support -- so you start adapting despite the deep loss.
THIRD -- Receive a great gift from God.
Through the remarkable science of cloning, God offers you a perfect double of that dear, lost lover. The clone is perfect in every detail. He or she looks talks and thinks like the lover, makes love the same way and supports you in the same manner. He or she wants your support also.
There is only one catch in your miracle. You and your newly restored lover didn't share the mutual experiences and relationships you had in the past. Both the good and the bad are missing from the relationship you and your original lover shared. You are starting at square one now.
NOW -- To identify the level at which your current love is operating, transfer your love to the newly cloned lover. Tell how you shall do that.
If you can readily transfer your love to the new lover, your love is operating at the pleasure/pain or physical level.
If your love can be transferred with some new experiences and a growing relationship, it is functioning at the power/prestige or psychological level.
If your love cannot be transferred without an entire galaxy of mutually satisfying experiences, your love is currently at the purpose/permanence or the philosophical level.
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