Coping With Change - Mini-Quiz

Why do we resist change? Most People live with the illusion that humans welcome change but the fact is we do not --unless it is to our immediate and obvious advantage. And even then it is difficult for most people to cope with a major shift although they desperately yearn for something new. Read the article and take the quiz.

When Dorothy Hamill won the gold medal for figure skating during one of the Winter Olympics, it was a magnificent accomplishment for a twenty year old girl. But it's possible Dorothy did not spend one hour planning what she would do should she win her heart's desire. No sooner did she come home than a flock of leeches pounced on her, taking advantage of her innocence to use and abuse her for their own financial benefit. They confused Dorothy and brought such conflict that she went into emotional shock that complicated her life. She eventually skated again in her own ice show, having matured as an entertainer but it took almost ten years to cope with the major changes a gold medal brought to her. Of course, she isn't alone. Not a year goes by that famous young athletes and actors don't ruin their prospects through the use of drugs and the abuse of other people. Too much change that comes too fast is always a problem.

Because humans were so long evolving into what we are today, with our emotions still far more primitive than our intelligence and logic, it seems entirely likely that our fear of and resistance to change is carried in our very genes. Change came very slowly to our ancestors. We suspect that President William Howard Taft from the late 1800s would have felt more at home in ancient Rome or Greece than he would in contemporary America. There have been more changes in society from 1890/1900 when our fathers and grandfathers were born than from 200 B.C. to 1900. And the tempo of change continues to increase. Life seems to be turning upside down and that's very frustrating. Who could have believed at the end of World War II that skinny little Vietnamese riflemen, shivering with malaria in the monsoon, would maul United States Marines severely enough to lose America the Indochina War? Or that a rag-tag bunch of Islamic fundamentalists could hold American diplomats captive for years and then force a president of the United States to wreck our economic future with massive debts and to cripple the American Bill of Rights? We all resist change unless we win some immediate benefit and yet, it keeps sweeping over us despite our crying out -- Stop the world - I want to get off! No sooner do we win a bit of physical and psychological comfort than our key activities and relationships shift into a new and challenging mode and we are forced to rethink our values, attitudes and choices. We all to often fear and resist anything that is different from life when we were learning who we were and how we fit into the scheme of things.

However, simply knowing that change is inevitable and that most people resist adapting does little to move us beyond useless traditions and crippling ideologies from the past. We need to adapt and make responsible choices as did a friend of ours -- Susan Frey who'd been conditioned by her grandparents and parents to think of herself as a broodmare. Susan had married young as women of her generation were expected to do, had three children in quick succession and settled in to be a traditional housewife to a bread-winning husband. She and Harold even attended a week long seminar in which a religious educator taught that the father was the commanding officer who gave the orders, the mother was the company adjutant who stayed home and carried them out and the children were troopers who saluted and did as they were told. Unfortunately, that simplistic approach was disastrous. Sue grew weary of doing all the scut work and Harold became tired of being responsible for everything else. He fled the family, leaving Susan with no money, no job skills and no security, in other words, one of the 20th centuries major problems, an irresponsible husband and father living in a self-defeating patriarchal model of marriage, came crashing through her life. It became worse. When she turned to her family and church for support, both failed her badly.

Her parents - especially her mother - blamed her for Harold's desertion. Had Susan, her mother insisted, been a good wife her husband would have stayed home as Susan's father did when they'd faced problems years earlier. They offered largely criticism as their daughter struggled to survive. Her pastor, who'd brought into the community the military style family seminar leader, took Susan to task even more severely. He preached sermons that one Sunday condemned working mothers who sent their children to day-care centers and the next Sunday blasted lazy welfare women who failed to teach their kids the values inherent in standing on their own two feet. It was a catch twenty-two approach used by a reactionary man who hid behind a pulpit and chose out of context scriptures through which to make fear driven, anti-women attacks.

A social worker finally rescued Susan by helping her find work and child care and to enter a nursing program. Being a single parent and a working mother was the hardest thing Susan ever did, but she continued maturing until she became an outstanding nurse. She joined a religious community that supported her rather than railing at single mothers who didn't live in the traditional manner with a husband - with any man who'd have her, even if he crippled her in a drunken rage or brought herpes or AIDS home. In one of our seminars, Susan said:

Not only do most men refuse a ready made family, I wasn't eager to marry some bozo who'd give me more kids before running off as Harold did. I've had fine relationships - I'm in a loving and supportive one now - with a good guy I love. Perhaps we'll marry and perhaps we won't. Once I learned how to change my world. how to stand on my own feet with a good job, life became satisfying for me and my children.

By maturing steadily, by coping with change rather than freezing in the past, Susan developed the knowledge and wisdom needed to reject the naive advice given by her parents and pastor. Sue eventually became a fully functional person rather than clinging as a subordinate, second class wife to an immature man. She matured through persistence and hard work and is now the resident nurse in a fine manufacturing firm. So must we all mature when we set out to change our world - when we seek a better, more meaningful life.

Remember - while we are asking what the meaning of life is - life is consistently asking us what meaning we are creating for ourselves by managing change wisely. Life demands that we make our attitudes, activities and relationships personality purposeful within our families, companies and communities, in the schools, hospitals and governmental agencies in which we serve humankind. Life challenges us to mature spiritually, to focus all our powers along lines of excellence, to become fully human rather than remaining unhouse-broken barbarians who use and abuse other persons. Successful lives must be connected physically, psychologically and philosophically to individuals and organizations that are actively searching for fulfillment along avenues of achievement rather than simply accepting some decaying status quo.


SELF-FOCUS

WHY DO INDIVIDUALS AND ESPECIALLY ORGANIZATIONS CONSISTENTLY RESIST CHANGE EVEN WHEN MAINTAINING THE STATUS QUO IS HARMFUL?

WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN OCCURRING WHEN PEOPLE ARE UNPREPARED FOR CHANGE BECAUSE THEY'D ASSUMED LIFE WOULD REMAIN STATIC?

HOW FAR SHOULD SOMEONE LIKE SUSAN GO IN REJECTING THE ADVICE OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO REAL STAKE IN HER GAME?

Jard DeVille; Psychology Dept. Chair at Westminster College; Director of the Learning And Learning Disabilities Clinic with the University of Wisconsin, also taught in the Executive Development Program at the University of Arizona. He's published many psychology books, seminars and test instruments. He's considered by many to be one of America's foremost leadership scholars. Permission to use if attributed to author with his website address.

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Self-Serving Myths Of The Past

Many people see our problems and feel that society is slipping out of control, that the ability to cooperate for the good of our communities has been lost, and our willingness to abide by our long-standing social contracts is compromised. It's true that an entire generation of young barbarians has grown up for whom the way to deal with others is to grab whatever you want. But it seldom occurs to us that our nihilistic system supports ruthless abusers, from back-street hoodlums to Wall Street arbitrageurs and Enron executives. Many naive women and men long for some idealized good old days, while ideologues try to bring them back. Both types ignore one important fact.

The much glorified and mythological American past that many reactionary politicians and religious leaders seek to recreate, as Henry Hyde and Jerry Falwell do, was almost exclusively for the benefit of affluent white males. It excluded Negroes, Indians, poor whites, Mexicans, and most women from any possibility of finding consistent satisfaction.

We know; we were there at the time!

Don’t misunderstand us when we criticize evil choices and call for a rebirth of spirituality. We love our American homeland deeply but we detest and want to expose the ruthless abusers who claim to be the only true Americans as they measure patriotism, success and justice almost exclusively in financial terms. If we didn’t love our people, we’d run with the wolves attacking them. Few persons understand that virtually all wars are financial conflicts orchestrated by ruthless power freaks in high places and fought to the death by poor boys who get few benefits for their sacrifices. Even as, the George W. Bush administration increased fees charging American veterans four and five hundred percent annually in the Veteran’s Affairs hospitals and excluding more and more veterans. The Bush administration prepared to destroy the Veteran’s medical program along with Social Security by privatization. Especially, when we need them desperately with the failings of our financial systems.

Understand this well.

Calling the American past, during the thirties, forties and fifties, our golden era of spirituality and morality, as so many primitive politicians and reactionary religious ideologues do, is a scheme to destroy civil and gender rights and eliminate the wages of the worker from production. It is a form of narcissistic self-deception that leads to private benefits for a few at the expense of everyone else. Here is how it really was for millions of Americans during the so called golden age of morality and decency.

RACIAL HATRED -- Only radicals with a hidden agenda or profoundly ignorant persons can say with a straight face that life in America was spiritual, was more moral when racial and sexist violence was the law of the land, was ruthlessly enforced by state-sanctioned terror. The psychopathic Mississippi or Alabama Ku Klux Klan sheriffs who beat poor people sadistically and organized forty-five hundred murders of black men, women and children during the 20th century were all too real. Louisiana politicians like Huey Long harnessed race hatred for their own benefit and used brutal tactics to block Negroes from first class citizenship. Jard saw this close-up because his father personally saved Long from assassination by two gunmen in the 1930s. Men and women of African, Mexican or Indian heritage, for that reason alone, were not permitted to vote, to serve on juries, eat in restaurants, sleep in clean hotels, use public toilets, go to schools and colleges for which they were paying taxes or hold decent jobs. For generations college educated Negroes were given only filthy, back breaking jobs in steel mills across Pennsylvania and Indiana. Black U.S. Navy gunners, risking their lives battling German U-Boat wolf packs on the frigid North Atlantic crossing during World War II, were beaten savagely by American military police for trying to get hot coffee in government canteens. When one young Black fighter ace from the famed Tuskegee Group returned home from years in combat protecting white bomber crews in Italy, the only job he could get was as a janitor in the local bank. Indian children were locked in concentration camps and beaten when they spoke the only language they knew. Japanese American parents remain locked in concentration camps while their sons were dying while fighting German Nazis as members of the famed 442 Regimental Combat team. The Go For Broke boys won more medals than any unit their size in World War II but when they came home they were denied service by everyone from doctors to barbers and renters because of their ancestry. When minorities tried to succeed professionally, to become first class citizens by enrolling their children in good schools and building their careers, hundreds of armed white men, usually led by police chiefs and blessed by racist pastors, would beat or murder them. There was a lynching of a black man about once a week for a hundred years across the south.


GENDER HATRED -- Even during the profitable postwar economic boom, women remained second class citizens. They were refused admission in universities and graduate school programs only because they were female. Georgia Tech officials denied seven highly qualified young women acceptance in its engineering programs in the middle fifties. The dean defended his decision in court, saying,

We cannot enroll them -- they would have to pass through the male gym on their way to the engineering lab.

Indecent to expose the sweet innocents to sweaty male bodies, cannot cut another door into the lab! Women still cannot serve as pastors in the two largest American denominations. Because they have no testosterone glands, Roberta quips. After all, radical men know that God created women to tend men's sexual needs and see their food is cooked! It was not until 1965 that laws were abolished that prohibited even married women from using contraceptives in order to control the size of their families. Scores of social workers were sentenced to prison by male judges for teaching poor women to use birth control methods. Corporations hired women only as secretaries, food servers and cleaning women, even if they had to earn the family living because irresponsible men fathered children and then ran away from their responsibilities. Teaching and nursing were the only professions generally open to women and they both paid badly. Many, probably most business, political, educational and religious leaders of the era wanted women barefoot and pregnant, subservient to their male lords and masters.

Entire companies still behave toward this way toward women. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) recently had to press criminal charges against the Mitsubishi Automobile Company in Tennessee to end years of sexual harassment of it’s women employees. Company executives refused to block the frequent humiliation of women and then fired those who complained about their criminally abusive supervisors and managers. The corporate executives, trained in Japan where women are little more than convenient sexual servants to men, ordered their American managers to hire nude dancers and prostitutes to entertain home office vice presidents visiting the factory. Even when they were caught, rather than correcting the abuse, the executives mounted an expensive publicity campaign to escape justice. We are happy to report it didn’t work.

Many sexist men of the lunatic fringe -- with the brainwashed daughters, spouses and girlfriends they manipulate, hate women who are succeeding beyond their abilities -- especially successful women who accept as lovers and mates only sophisticated and supportive men. Bright and competent woman understand that neurotic men are on a one way ride to nowhere, at least emotionally and culturally if not always financially, and choose not to go along with them. Talented women despise their primitive attitudes and assumptions about relationships, and that is more than most existentially alienated men of the right wing can tolerate. The haters are usually supported by fundamental preachers and reactionary politicians in an attempt to return uppity women to subservient citizenship. If that doesn't work, if self-directing women still refuse to waste their potential as menial servants and brood mares, especially if they refuse them as sexual partners, a great many angry men become violent. This was the theme of the motion picture Thelma And Louise a few years ago, in which two abused women broke away from their existentially alienated and brutal men. The macho motto of such men could well be the old New England advice that thousands of fathers gave to their sons before marriage;

A woman, a dog and a walnut tree -- the more you beat them the better they be.

SOCIAL HATRED -- Freedom of speech was limited during the Joe McCarthy madness of the fifties. Many persons had to take loyalty oaths and the attorney general of the United States kept lists of traitors who protested that the Cold War was harming America. Anyone who blamed the National Guard for shooting down students at Kent State University was called a Soviet sympathizer. Millions of naive men and women were persuaded by well orchestrated propaganda campaigns that shooting the students served the protesters right. Of course, years later former Secretary of State, Robert McNamara, admitted all this in his autobiography. We especially loved the scene in the movie Nixon where President Nixon slipped out of the White House to the Lincoln Memorial to talk to some students protesting the decade long Vietnam War. He asked;

Why do you hate me so much for defending our country against the evil communist menace?

He lectured the kids about the dangers of socialism, until one of the girls cried out with a burst of insight.

Why -- you are so beholding to those making money from the conflict that you can't stop the war either!

J. Edgar Hoover, Director of the F.B.I. For example, kept a secret dirty tricks file with which to blackmail virtually every American political, business and educational leader. Presidents Kennedy and Johnson both hated Hoover and wanted to fire him as head of the Bureau but feared that Hoover would reveal their illicit sexual and financial affairs -- Kennedy’s lust for women and Johnson’s manipulation of defense contracts to amass a personal fortune. Hoover’s greatest vindictiveness was reserved for anyone trying to end the slaughter of sixty thousand American white farm and black ghetto kids being sent to kill Vietnamese farm boys. Along with quarter million more maimed and several million ripped away from their homes. Plus the slaughter of almost three million Vietnamese civilians. He went ballistic when Martin Luther King came out in opposition of the war -- screaming around his office that he was going to get him if it was the last thing he ever did. During the civil rights struggle across the south, Hoover sent only southern F.B.I. Agents south to investigate the murder of voter registration workers. He reasoned they would be less likely to find any exculpatory evidence and he was pretty well right. Only a very few agents were successful investigators. Hoover didn’t work in a vacuum, however. A large number of reactionary politicians later named one Washington building The Hoover Building. He was their kind of guy and he had indeed served them well! Hoover was so vehemently against civil rights that Jard still wonders whether the murderous Hoover didn’t secretly orchestrate both John Kennedy’s and Martin King’s assassination. It was possible because it was later revealed that he had several assassination teams under his personal control.

Signing a petition or going to an anti-war rally was dangerous for anyone who opposed Washington's power freaks. Army officers who protested the Vietnam disaster were cashiered by the thousands. Civilians that our government branded 'Doves' usually lost their jobs and some went to prison. As we said earlier, we do indeed love America and want it to prosper but we see the United States as the people and the farms, the lakes, communities and businesses rather than as the financial, political and religious aristocracy who lust to gain all the wealth and power and prestige. You cannot convince us that reactionary sexist and racist legislators care one iota about the people of this nation! The back room conspiracies, vicious electioneering attacks and outright felonies committed by those who yearn to dominate America have destroyed much trust in and respect for government. That is why the people of Minnesota in a previous election voted into the governor’s office a popular professional wrestler, Jesse Ventura, who beat both political parties in one fell swoop.

SELF-FOCUS
How can so many persons assume that an era of coercion and brutality was more spiritual than this period when more persons have laws to protect them from ruthless and reactionary abusers?

Do the fearful ever talk about anything except reducing taxes and controlling the lives of the women and men who don’t agree with them?

DANGEROUS CONCEPTS - NIHILISM THE PHILOSOPHY OF MEANINGLESSNESS

NIHILISM

Nihilism, the pragmatic operating philosophy of virtually every government, corporation and research university is a belief in disbelief, is a philosophy of meaninglessness, including the too self-defeating assumption that might makes right.

Like many disasters, Nihilism began with the finest of intentions. European scientists between 1880 and 1920 were seriously examining the earth and the universe for clues about matter and life. They peered outward toward the stars and galaxies with better telescopes and inward with microscopes, to learn many cosmic truths. Researchers like Planck, Mach, Koch, the Curies, Freud, Bohr, Darwin and Einstein used a new way of looking for knowledge. They called it the scientific method that stressed facts rather than faith. They were right of course. I don’t want to cross the Pacific Ocean in an aircraft designed according to the undisputed brilliance of Thomas Jefferson.

Secular nihilism developed out of Prussian brutality and became deeply embedded in fiercely secular German universities. It was a major tragedy as Herman Hesse had his character Heller say in his great existential novel STEPPENWULF, the brutal beast that walks upright (man). Hesse was a member of the lost generation that came of age in the bloody trenches of World War I - the generation that lost faith in European institutions for deceiving the people so badly. Heller lamented -- There come times when entire generations are trapped between eras --not knowing what to believe -- whom to trust in their search for life.

In other words, be careful what you choose to believe because the following nihilistic, scientist, pragmatic, opportunistic assumptions are crippling to human health.


SELF FOCUS - Rank the following in order of their destructive potential in your life.

1. Humans collectively form a resource to be shaped as needed by government and business, rather than being persons to be cherished because of their intrinsic worth.

2. Human spirituality is an ancient superstition rather than a normal aspect of existence that Frankl called the spiritual unconscious.

3. In seeking human progress, the successful completion of important projects justifies any and all methods used to reach society's goals.

4. The earth is a resource to be developed whenever and wherever desired rather than the home of life as we know it.

5. Each nation's rulers in government, commerce and science should be trusted to do what is right because they have better knowledge than the people they command and control.

6. Because life is the result of a great cosmic accident, individual lives and families are basically meaningless unless they serve the state or some profitable purpose.

7. Persons who do not fit into the pragmatic views of an industrial society are worthless and expendable as North American Indians were when they could not be enslaved.

8. When enough persons and organizations become opportunistic in their philosophy of operations, doing what they can get away with, taking everything they are strong enough to keep, a secular miracle occurs in which the entire society finds greater satisfaction.



BEYOND SECULAR NIHILISTIC PRAGMATISM

In the early days of World War II, when Japan's politicians were developing political ties with the Nazi's of Germany, Lithuanian police teams were enthusiastically rounding up Jewish families for shipment in cattle cars to the death camps that spread like terrible tumors across Europe. The Japanese Baltic counsul was Sempo Sugihara, an unpretentious little Foggy Bottom type civil servant who never dreamed of challenging the powerful movers and shakers who were leading his country toward disaster in a war they could not win. When this perfect office clerk, who even ate his lunch at his desk, discovered what the cruel anti-Semitic Balts were doing, he exploded in indignation and resolved to do better than his government who'd ordered him to assist the Nazis every way he could.

Sugihara established a secret escape route across Russia on the Trans-Siberian Express Railway to Shanghai and to Hong Kong. He forged passports and visas, lied to Lithuanian and German officials with his bland Asiatic smile, used money from his office accounts and sent thousands of Jewish families to safety despite the increasingly shrill protests from the Tokyo office. When he was finally dragged home in disgrace, wearing chains, he declined disemboweling himself in a ritual suicide for disobeying orders. It was not until years after his heroism that I discovered that Sempo Sugihara came out of the community of Nagasaki that deliberately stressed ethical values and responsible choices. Just to keep the record straight -- that was the community the U.S. Army Air Forces, in which Jard served, vaporized at ground zero with the second nuclear bomb.


SELF FOCUS - Rank the following in their order of importance to you.

1. Develop and widely use throughout your life and its activities a sound philosophy of service that creates first class citizenship for all who help you succeed, through an equitable sharing of the physical, psychological and philosophical rewards of commitment.

2. Strive for a sense of belonging in supportive communal groups by gathering women and men into small, intimate teams such as business growth centers, clubs or training classes, through which they find consistent satisfaction by accomplishing meaningful tasks or sharing satisfying activities with people who are important to themselves personally.

3. Draw all the people into the decision making processes of the group, for then the decisions become their own choices rather than something imposed by outsiders who don't really understand what is going on in the trenches where the real work is being accomplished.

4. Establish ways of dealing with stress and conflict before the organization becomes dysfunctional and suicidal because the vested interest groups prefer personal possessions, power and prestige far more than group purpose, performance, productivity and profits.

5. Empower persons to mature by sharing responsibilities and rewards. Avoid open-ended assignments that burn out men and women in a few years, by rewarding self-development and creativity, and by sharing the emotional results of being a true member in a good team.

6. Master the principle of human motivation -- it's a fact that people seek the relationships and continue the activities that reward them personally, while rejecting attitudes, activities and relationships that cause pain or fail to benefit themselves consistently.

7. Keep communications open by refusing to let a few fearful or greedy persons in some chain of command block the flow of vital information up or down for their own reasons, since collectively, the members of a group have total knowledge of what must be done to consistently succeed.

8. Set the stage for people at all levels of organizational responsibility and reward to find consistent satisfaction by connecting personal fulfillment to organizational greatness.

9. If you haven't the knowledge and wisdom to achieve through serving society in some area, have the decency to get out of the way and stop harming a group of good people who deserve better of life.

EXISTENTIAL FRUSTRATION

Disaster in the form of existential or life-style caused frustration overwhelmed an old rural parish some years ago as a traditional way of life collapsed and a community fell apart due to twentieth/twenty-first century social and technological stresses. The farming community had been hard hit by drought, a serious decline in land values and a slump in commodity prices. Some church members were losing their sense of identity while others were living on the edge of financial disaster. Many kids were leaving and few in college were interested in returning home to farm. A brisk drug trade developed when some people tried to cope with their stresses chemically and two or three committed suicide when the stresses grew too great. Major changes had been frustrating the rural community for some time, even before the bland old pastor died and his assistant retired. The community’s spiritual, economic and social anchors were dragging and many people were frightened. When two new new priests arrived, they tried to adjust to reality by shifting with the times but unfortunately, that antagonized those fearful members who yearned to return to the past.

The young priests and nuns not only taught traditional religion, meaning to some of the people only what occurred within the walls of the sanctuary during worship, but also the virtue of demonstrating faith and love in the outside society. They wanted the people to understand the dozen debilitating American wars since World War II in spiritual terms, to ask their politicians why they were committing financial suicide in the name of faith and patriotism. The priests and nuns wanted their people committed to civil, legal and financial rights for minority people and to be generous when feeding, clothing and educating the poor migrant children who'd come north to labor in their fields. The leaders were trying to keep the church alive and attractive to the next generation by asking the people to openly discuss values that had always been irrelevant to faith as practiced in the long static community. As the farm economy faltered still more and farmers and merchants fell into trouble, some of the more frustrated and aggressive members of the parish started a campaign to get rid of the trouble-makers who challenged them. Thus, they assumed, they could return to the good old days. They didn’t understand that old traditions and ideologies succeed only in the times and situations which they evolved. One elderly member told me:

I don't even recognize my church anymore and I hate it! These priests are changing everything I know and love. Did not the holy fathers in Rome assure us for fifty years that fighting Commies was God's will and that we would be blessed for our loyalty to America and the church? Why is God punishing us now?

The fearful leaders didn't understand the law of unintended consequences. One paranoid group felt there had to be an evil plot of some kind causing their pain and some men formed a local militia to drive off the villains. Quarrels and fist fights broke out at the altar during communion and in the chancel after services. The priests were harassed at all hours of the day and night with obscene phone calls. Several cars were sabotaged and a church bus was burned and the nun principal of the parish school was forced off the road by a group of cursing militia-men in pickup trucks waving shotguns.

Both priests eventually resigned and Bishop Roy Blocker refused to send out replacements.

He said, no one trying to serve God should have to undergo the harsh judgments and treatments their priests and nuns did. The parish was no longer a community in Christ.

The church had always been a sanctuary for the several hundred farm and village families who worshipped together but it couldn't keep the world at bay in changing times. The anxious and alienated members of the parish crippled the congregation rather than adapt, when the only way they could survive was through accepting change and dealing with new circumstances. After he reopened the church, Bishop Blocker explained;

For centuries we brought our people up in a static and unchanging church atmosphere. We prided ourselves that as God’s church nothing ever changed. We were eternal. We still believe in the unchanging revelation that God made in Christ. But while God hasn’t changed, everything else has. Unfortunately, there will always be some persons who neurotically need more certitude than we can legitimately offer, a certitude that Jesus himself didn’t have in Jerusalem’s garden of olives when he questioned God’s mission for his life.

Thist is true spiritual bankruptcy suffered by many that is caused by the existence we choose or have forced on us by society. Lest you think that too strong an example of alienation, during the week this anecdote was first written, Jeff Rolvag, our handsome and charming next door neighbor hanged himself from a basement rafter not thirty feet from Jard’s desk. He had hidden his existential alienation very well but he certainly isn’t alone in his frustration and the aggression or apathy that follows.

SELF FOCUS -- Have you seen situations in families, schools, companies or communities when life style created frustration causes conflicts?

PERSONAL FULFILLMENT ASSESSMENT

Use our Personal Fulfillment Assessment to assess your Life's Meaning and Belonging.

READ EACH OF THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS AND THEN CHOSE THE NUMBER THAT MOST ACCURATELY DESCRIBES YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT IT.

             SELDOM                SOMETIMES                    OFTEN
1. I am satisfied with the way my life has a sense of purpose to it.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
2. I have reasons to be enthusiastic about life and my place in it.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
3. I study to learn better ways of achieving the good things I should be doing.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
4. My life is free of trivial activities and shallow relationships.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
5. I plan my activities with positive attitudes and high expectations.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
6. My life follows my master plan for living wisely and wed.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
7. My work seems a mission I should successfully complete.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
8. I work at meaningful avocations in order to help other people.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
9. I have satisfying relationships with both men and women.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
10. I act on the fact that I have the freedom to mature spiritually.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5

Add your score and enter it here. MEANING ______

CONTINUE WITH THE STATEMENTS BELOW.

             SELDOM                SOMETIMES                    OFTEN
1. I experience a sense of awe about life.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
2. I feel compassion for people in trouble.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
3. The women and men with whom I work contribute to my life.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
4. When my family, company or community has trouble I help out.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
5. After a long trip I enjoy returning to familiar surroundings.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
6. I participate in sports and entertainments appropriate to my age and shape.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
7. I spend time with friends and relatives I love.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
8. I vote and/or work for political candidates I trust.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
9. I expect people to be ethical and honest when I deal with them.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5
10. I try to make the world a better place in which to live.
            1                      2                      3                      4                      5

Add your score and enter it here. BELONGING_______

To plot your score, mark the MEANING score at the corresponding height on the vertical scale and the BELONGING score at the corresponding distance from the left on the horizontal scale. Then, extend both lines into the square to the point where they cross. Mark that spot for it will reveal the level of your satisfaction compared to the men and women who have used this scale in past Fulfillment Seminars. A score of 30 points vertically and horizontally registers average satisfaction. A score of 10 is low satisfaction and 50 is high satisfaction.

SATISFACTION SCALE

M        50 (high)

E

A

N        30 (medium)

I

N

G        10(low)        30(medium)        50(high)

B        E        L        O        N        G        I        N        G

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PATTERNS THAT AFFECT PERFORMANCE - Mini Quiz

As Except From The Book" GRACE UNDER PRESSURE"

New Era, Greater Challenges

Leon Trotsky, the old Soviet ideologue, is not widely respected by large numbers of business men and women, but he made several statements that bring into focus some of the major challenges faced by managers in an era of constant turmoil. During the confusion of the Russian Revolution, the Old Bolshevik said that anyone who wanted only to be left alone in peace to do his work had chosen a terrible time in which to be born. He also concluded that trying to reorganize a society was much like trying to revitalize a cemetery. Trotsky was correct on both counts, for deep within all kinds of organizations is the desire to keep things as they were when the members first learned them. We do indeed want to preserve our vested interests without interference or loss. Many people live with the illusion that humans enjoy change. The fact is, however, that we seldom want important things to change unless the benefits are immediate and personally valuable. Even when there is an obvious advantage to changing, many people have difficulty adjusting to new circumstances and relationships.

For example, the sports and entertainment industries have produced many athletes and performers who were unable to successfully handle sudden fame and wealth. In many business and professional organizations, rapid change can have similar disruptive results when people are forced, frequently against their will, to deal with resources and relationships they resent. Many resist for so long that the organizations are destroyed as the great English historian, Lord McCauley, explained. He wrote that every great civilization, nation, noble family, corporation and community eventually commits suicide by creating so many selfish, vested interest groups that it cannot adapt when great changes occur and the entire group must adapt swiftly or perish. He went on to reveal that while there are always hungry and younger societies waiting in the wings to take over, all but one or two of the twenty two civilizations that left their footprints on earth, collapsed from their own internal contradictions and conflicts.

Managers and professionals like dentists, attorneys, and physicians, who are responsible for leading their employees to achieve together, are frequently the causes of many problems in their own organizations. They yearn, often unconsciously, to continue working through the concepts and skills they learned in the beginning. They do so because changes in relationships, techniques, and responsibilities force us to rethink ideas we already mastered, and to adapt when it seems obvious that we usually want others to do the adapting in our organizations.

For example, several years ago, when the decline of large automobile engines became obvious, one young manager was called to a meeting where he was told that his test group would be evaluating the reliability of the Chrysler Corporation's new power plant for domestic sales. When he asked about the engine, he found it to be a massive thing that produced more than 300 horsepower with commensurate fuel consumption. He protested that the competition was adjusting to rising fuel costs by developing fuel-efficient engines and that Chrysler should be doing the same thing. His manager immediately pinned him to the wall and told him to keep his mouth shut and follow orders if he wanted to keep his job. The young manager thought about the potential consequences of resisting change despite fuel costs and soon started a career in another industry. And Chrysler's small automobile came on the market with an engine and transmission built in Germany because the massive V-8 engine was an anachronism that few customers would buy. To this day, General Motors and Ford are having trouble manufacturing automobiles that American customers will purchase and Chrysler has bonded with the Mercedes Group of Germany.

Of course we all understand, at least at a gut level what resistant to change has cost our automobile industry in our current crises. Although we may not realize it is a deeply rooted human trait unless the benefits are immediate and personally valuable.

The resistance to change that so complicates the work of managers and supervisors is much more than a conscious determination to keep things as they were in the past. According to scholars like Konrad Lorenz and Carl Jung, our resistance may well be rooted in the evolution of humankind, in the development of Western Civilization itself, and in the manner in which work groups have long been led in our society.
As our civilization grew in size and complexity, humans developed the technology needed to prosper and the interpersonal relationships necessary for success. In other words, our ancestors created both the hardware (the resources) and the software (the relationships) of achievement. The hardware included tools, weapons, clothes, etc. The software included the psychology and the philosophy needed to work successfully in groups, to distribute rewards equitably, and to avoid unnecessary conflict within each community. We must still balance the use of software and hardware if our organizations are to prosper as our competitors do in Europe and Asia.

In many, if not most, cases, an organization begins as an entrepreneurial enterprise that prospers in that form as long as the founder uses both good hardware and software to serve clients well. In time, the small organization grows beyond the ability of the entrepreneur to control everything, so either the transition to professional management is made or else the company stagnates upon the death of the dynamic founder. However, it has only been in the last few decades that we have come to understand that there is a drawback to professionally managed organizations that do not change as society changes. For example, when an organization becomes so complex that people feel lost in its activities, confused about its objectives, and resentful of its impersonal approach, the organization has peaked. At that point, to become optimally successful, the management team must regain the community spirit that has so frequently been destroyed through the development of impersonal systems, a division of labor, and the rest of the Industrial Engineering/Harvard Business School approach.

In communities where men build ships for their sons and nephews to fish in or fight from, quality is never a problem. When people are hired to build products -- or small parts of products for a faceless consumer market, or for managers they do not know because they are away soaring like falcons in a deserted forest, quality and productivity are certain to be consistent problems. And therein hangs a tale for ambitious managers and supervisors who believe there is a better way to work in their organizations.

Avenues To Success

Business has become too complex to believe that profit alone is the measure of how well an organization is serving its clients and utilizing its employees. Joseph Juran, the quality specialist who, with W. Edwards Deming, gave Japan the tools they needed to prosper with small inventories in their production organizations, has blamed our leadership failure on the finance specialists of our organizations. In their pursuit of short-term profit, they neglected the quality and productivity that would have created long-range growth for their organizations. In all fairness, the finance wizards were only doing what their owners hired them to do, and since they seldom had any production or service experience, our performance calamity caught them unawares. Unfortunately, the belief that the bottom line rather than growth is crucial was accepted by the smaller organizations of our society as well.

A more reliable measure of success that far transcends the quarterly statement is a manager's ability to increase productivity and quality enough to capture more of the market without a proportional increase in expenses. Scholars like David Tansik, Edwin Flippo, and Peter Drucker report that we have come as far as possible without a restoration of creativity, a rebirth of the human element in our organizations. And that is the last thing many executives who would like to treat employees as inventory want to hear.

We must remember that we suffered our massive leadership failure while using the best administrative systems ever devised. Unfortunately, these were never enough and certainly more troublesome than inanimate resources -- while our less sophisticated competitors around the world harnessed the human strengths that can make many organizations strong, vibrant and productive!

Fortunately, the behavioral sciences, especially the research of psychology and sociology, have matured past traditional concepts to identify and teach methods that can restore to any organization the achievement that it deserves. An entire nation did that after the most disastrous defeat in its history. Japanese men and women at all levels of responsibility worked very hard to reach what first seemed to be impossible goals. They were forced to rebuild an industrial civilization in which ninety percent of its significant cities had been burned to the ground.

Obviously, I think that the time has now come when a great many Western managers must learn how to better lead their organizations’ relationships to increase productivity and quality.

To succeed in the post-cold war business climate, each manager must best utilize the organization's hardware and software, the resources and relationships to produce goods or services that will serve the market well. This means that few companies will become optimally successful without a conscious dedication to service through its products and its people. To do that well will require that each manager and supervisor learn as much as possible about human personality, productivity, and motivation and use the new concepts effectively.

SELF-FOCUS
Write a short paragraph telling how you would distinguish between those elements the author calls the hardware of production and the software of achievement in your organization.

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THE LIFE-STYLE CHALLENGE - A Mini Quiz From YOUR SEARCH FOR A MEANINGFUL LIFE

The midway barker at the Minnesota State Fair didn't look much like a scholar. His fingernails were ragged and dirty and a broken tooth gave him a cynical and somewhat sinister leer. Tough Tony Gallo seemed an unlikely source from whom to learn about developing a fulfilling life. Nevertheless, he went right to one of the major elements of consistent satisfaction when he explained:

LIFE'S SORTA LIKE RIDIN' A BICYCLE UPHILL. YA GOTTA KEEP PEDALING ALONG OR YA GOTTA STOP AND GET OFF. THERE AIN'T NO REVERSE GEAR AND YA GOTTA KEEP YER BALANCE.

There you have it in a nutshell! Tony had just relieved Jard of several dollars in a futile attempt to win a stuffed panda for a granddaughter at his milk bottle toss game. Neither Jard's arm nor his aim is what either was in his youth but he was pleased with the transaction. After all, in these days of expensive psychotherapy, that was a cheap price for such excellent counsel about living joyously.

As our philosophical counselor with dirty fingernails so thoughtfully stated, each successful life has an ongoing flow that must be understood, even embraced, if we are to find a consistent sense of meaning and belonging through the powers we possess to invest in excellence. We can fulfill our potentialities only as we mature through more and more complex activities and satisfying relationships. As Tony said -- There ain’t no reverse gear.


As we have written, we humans have created a narcissistic, too pragmatic life-style that frustrates and alienates men and women and no one is automatically exempted from the lack of meaning and belonging inherent in a secular approach to satisfaction. Too many people try to get along without committing themselves to anything more meaningful or more permanent than their possessions, pleasure, prestige and power. They have naively accepted the unexamined assumption of this age that life can be made great by living through the physical and psychological aspects of existence while ignoring the spiritual or philosophical elements of life. That makes them like a person trying to relax comfortably on a two legged stool. One cannot do it, for he or she remains continually off balance without the philosophical factor in place. Living wisely - through the physical, psychological and philosophical aspects of life is vital. We knew two men who demonstrated extraordinarily well the need to mature spiritually in all aspects of life.

Bruce Bedow was a long time super-star running back in the National Football League. He lived the dream of countless young men as he set many records on the playing field. He relished proving him¬self superior to his opponents in their contests of skill and strength. Bruce especially loved the life-style of a professional athlete with admiring reporters, cheering crowds and nubile young women to whom he could relate from prestige and power rather than through mutual respect and responsibility. He boasted to his friends he'd had sex with a thousand women in his first few years of professional football. It was an adolescent male fantasy come true based on his physical ability and he is fortunate that he didn't contract AIDS as basketball star Magic Johnson did through his own irresponsible sexual choices. O.J. Simpson isn't the only wealthy celebrity to discover that cops, prosecutors and judges will bend and break the laws of their community to protect him. The multi-millionaire heir of a large grocery chain in Minneapolis shot to death his ex-wife and her lover and left the bodies in his lakeside mansion. It took the police two weeks to decide whether or not to arrest the millionaire murderer and then the city attorney politely requested he come in with his attorney. He could hardly be expected to issue an arrest warrant for a member of his own country club -- as he would for the police to haul in a hungry kid who'd stolen a bag of potato chips at one of the millionaire's stores!

The adults in Bruce's life - parents, coaches, community and school officials as well as the professional team's owners, helped freeze him in the long adolescence of professional sports. His sports fanatic father encouraged him to practice football rather than to study for his classes. When he failed a course, his high school principal changed the grade so he could continue playing on the team. The city police chief tore up many speeding and drunken driving tickets and the district attorney refused to follow up allegations by girls that he'd sexually assaulted them. Not only was Brace taught he was above the usual interactions and responsibilities of life, he failed to master the thousand and one ordinary tasks that make life run smoothly for people. The professional football team hired people to do his laundry, to clean his apartment, to drive his cars and to pay his bills. His attorneys soothed angry women he'd used and abused. They settled many barroom fights and cared for everything that would distract him from gaining a hundred yards on the playing field each week. His growth as a person was the last thing on anyone's mind. Bruce played pro football extraordinarily well but time took its toll and disaster struck.

Bruce tore an Achilles tendon and after ten years as a NFL hero, could no longer play the game that he loved more than his own maturity. Overnight, it seemed to him, the cheering ended, the reporters went away and girls no longer flocked to him. His money stopped coming and so did the nannies. The limousines vanished and he was lost in a world he understood not at all. For years Bruce haunted the stadium during games like a restless ghost and now works in a bar for a few dollars an hour and tips. His three marriages fell apart because he'd never learned how to relate to women as individuals of worth rather than as objects of his personal pleasure. A great many young men destroy their relationships with similar selfish attitudes about women. Once she saw past his fame, no strong, competent woman wanted anything to do with so self-centered a male. She could see he was a perpetual adolescent rather than a real person. Bruce recently told a reporter he'd give ten years to play one more season of professional ball. This tragic, unhappy man froze with a nihilistic approach to fife; he stopped pedaling his bicycle uphill and it has crippled him. And while the many people who used him for their personal reasons contributed to his unhappiness, the ultimate responsibility for his growth was always his own. One of his professional teammates understood this very well.

Crazy A J Johnson was considered by many sports writers and coaches to be the best defensive back in the NFL at the time. His game was so intense and wild that despite being rather small for a professional, A J was an impact player who could win a game on a single play with a timely interception. When a Vikings running back was being chided for letting A J ruin his game one Sunday, he shrugged and said:

I KNOW A J ISN'T VERY BIG BUT IT'S REALLY AWKWARD TRYING TO RUN WITH HIS HUNDRED SEVENTY POUNDS WRAPPED AROUND YOUR HEAD.

Although a fearless and fearsome competitor on the field -- and given to outlandish stories and quips that kept him prominent in the media -- A J took the big money but chose wisely for life after football. When Bruce and the boys went out boozing and picking up girls, he came home to his wife and the kids and his textbooks. He remained committed to his church and served in several community activities. He completed his M A degree and about the time he could no longer play pro ball, successfully defended his PhD dissertation to his graduate committee. Without missing a beat, wild and crazy A J the roughneck hero, became the much respected Doctor Johnson who serves quite well in a superb college with young people coming out of the ghetto he escaped by harnessing first his physical and then his mental powers along lines of excellence. A J is still pedaling along while Bruce has coasted to a stop so far as a meaningful life goes. You must do the same if you want consistent satisfaction for yourself, your family, your organization and your community.

Complete Self Focus-1. If you are completing this as a self-study course, write out your answers to the questions. If you are studying in a group, choose a small group leader to lead the discussion of the questions. Spend just a few minutes on them.

SELF FOCUS - 1
WHY DID BRUCE FAIL AND A J SUCCEED IN PLAYING THE GREATER GAME OF LIFE WHEN THEY BOTH LIVED THE DREAM OF COUNTLESS YOUNG MEN?

DO YOU THINK THAT WOMEN OR MEN FACE GREATER CHALLENGES WHEN TRYING TO WIN CONSISTENT FULFILLMENT?

THE LOVE PYRAMID - Mini Course

We must insist on this right here -- up front. As St. Paul and many other brilliant scholars of the human condition told us, a satisfying life must combine faith, hope and love -- with the greatest element of all being love.

Certainly we have found nothing that even remotely takes the place of love in our lives and our relationships with each other, our children, their children and their children's kids. With love, virtually everything falls into place. Without love, nothing fits well into the mosaic of a meaningful life.

Also, after everything else you can say about humans -- after discussing the personality patterns, life-themes, values, attitudes and expectations we write about, we agree with psychological great -- Carl Rogers and with John the Beloved Disciple. There are only two kinds of people in the world. The two are not black and white, rich and poor or even male and female, as much as we appreciate that last arrangement that seems especially created for our benefit.

There are only persons who are capable of loving others and persons who do not love anyone except those who in one way or another contribute something of value to themselves.

A vital factor we must discuss in the beginning is that while the love and sexual intimacy a couple shares is vital to satisfaction, the physical attractions of our youthful years are never enough to carry a man and woman through a life-time. In our FULFILLMENT course, a companion program to this, we have written extensively about existential frustration and alienation that occurs when men and women fail to find a consistent sense of purpose in their lives. We cannot even find happiness by seeking it -- happiness is a fleeting by-product of living a consistently meaningful life. Like sleep during a restless night, the harder we pursue happiness, the faster it flees from us. When we spend our years seeking happiness through pleasure, possessions, prestige and power -- lacking a sense of purpose in our activities and permanence in our relationships, life remains secular and pointless and becomes conflicted with confusion and discouragement. And that is simply too much to expect the sexual relationship of a man and woman to overcome. Humans need more -- we believe that each person requires the crucial support that comes from living a complete life -- that occurs through:

Worshipping devoutly, relating warmly, serving faithfully, learning wisely, persevering bravely and playing enthusiastically.

Unless we develop mature attitudes and high expectations, no marriage can succeed. Most young couples who divorce and put their children under great stress simply abandon their marriages much too soon. There is a great deal to be said for toughing it out through the learning curve, for becoming better partners rather than shopping around for some wonderful and perfect lover who will cater to your every whim. You shall have to become a spiritually maturing person to whom your partner can relate in love and friendship, without becoming your stooge. Hang on until both lovers become more maturity along life's journey. Actually, in marriage as in most of life, much satisfaction comes from showing up when needed, just being there on time for the people who love you.

A loving couple that matures in faith, hope and love, through grace within the physical, psychological and philosophical aspects of life, will love far more deeply than they did during the simplistic and usually naive sexual urges of youth.


THE LOVE PYRAMID

To be at its best, love must mature up through the motivational pyramid shown here. To stop in one of the lower tiers is to limit the joy a person can enjoy in a lasting relationship.




Becoming *** PHILOSOPHICAL *** Purpose/Permanence

Doing *** PSYCHOLOGICAL *** Power/Prestige

Having *** PHYSICAL *** Pleasure/Pain


PHYSICAL LOVE -- (Pleasure/Pain) Love that is limited to the physical aspects of a relationship is focused largely on arousal, passion and tension release. It makes little difference who the partner is. Any compliant body can be used, for the person is secondary to the pleasure being received by the user. Such physical passion can be shifted from one sexual supplier to another with little or no regret or concern, from one seduction to the next, as Joe Namath boasted when he slept with a thousand women in his first few years of playing professional football. Such a person can go from one prostitute to another, from one singles bar to the next, from a tryst with one lover to a new one. One night stands, sexual fantasies, pornographic movies and books and wily seductions occur within the physical aspects of love. When one person is used for another's pleasure, even if both agree in advance, it is little more than mutual masturbation. If the other person is abused or damaged in the relationship, he or she can be discarded and replaced with no more regret than for a piece of malfunctioning machinery. Many adolescents, in the first wild rush of sexuality, relate to one another at this primitive level. Unfortunately, many adults fail to mature beyond it. They continue romancing, marrying, divorcing and romancing again in a madcap search for a perfect partner, chasing the wild excitement of youth in a stage that needs a lot more stability in order to be satisfying.

Only this morning as this chapter is being written, we attended the funeral of a friend who made a great deal of money through his knowledge and energy. Donald Knopf was as hard a worker as we've ever known, not only for himself but for the poor and needy of the community. He gave an enormous amount of time and money to helping people with problems. Nevertheless, as his friends and relatives filled the front pews, we've never seen such a complex mix of brothers and sisters, half sisters and brothers, cousins, in-laws and former wives in our lives. At the age of fifty-five Don was still falling in and out of love like a teen-ager, still drifting from one woman to the next, giving her several children before falling out of love and seeking a better partner. He never did think in terms of becoming a better husband and father rather than wanting a perfect lover who would let him feel the sexual excitement of youth again. He never matured into the second and third tier of a loving relationship and if he enjoyed a long succession of sexual partners, his dozen children from several families have had a difficult time growing up without a father.

PSYCHOLOGICAL LOVE -- (Power/Prestige) In this aspect of a relationship, physical arousal, pleasure and satiation occurs as in the physical but the affection doesn't stop there. This is a deeper relationship that binds lovers together as they mature through the more complex needs and activities of adult love. The lovers not only desire one another for what each offers, but both have a deeper investment in the other's health and happiness. They trust each other with their egos, because loving another person makes you vulnerable as well as calling up protective feelings. This is the level at which many good marriages and love affairs function, especially in the more mellow middle years and while the lovers do care deeply about each other, they may still have difficult times. After all, while you and your lover love each other, differences of opinion and a variety of needs remain. Few couples never quarrel just because they love one another. Jard knew two young people who lived together as lovers without making the final commitment of marriage. Mildred was a graduate student in psychology and Henry an executive in a huge corporation. She said, when she was being offered a teaching and research job in a distant university:

I love Harry, I really do, but he cannot leave town with me. Changing companies now would cost him a vice-presidency at 3 M and I cannot ask for that. But then, I cannot see that my research and teaching about childhood learning is any less importance to society than selling glue and sandpaper. If I insisted he come to Columbus, he's soon resent me and If I turned down my offer there to stay here with him, I'd soon feel I'd given up too much after having worked so hard for my doctorate. I have to be true to my own vision of a fulfilling life.

Millie and Harry flew back and forth for a year or so but eventually drifted apart and met and married other lovers. Perhaps it was just as well they found someone else, for their careers meant more to them when they separated than the relationship.

PHILOSOPHICAL LOVE -- (Purpose/Permanence) This third aspect of love includes the passion from the physical and the sense of belonging from the psychological as it continues to include crucial spiritual elements of a lasting love relationship. The lovers have matured beyond the limitations of psychological games that cause pain to become tender and compassionate. They live with a lasting sense of purpose and permanence in the affair for they know they belong together for life. The lovers support each other against all attackers; see the relationship as being spiritual and having mystical overtones. There is neither a desire to find a substitute sexual partner nor a determination to play a dominance game through which the lover is manipulated and used. Such a love affair has taken on a lovely patina of faith, hope and love as well as grace, a glow that is shared in mutual satisfaction. The development of love at this level takes time, although for many it comes long before the later stages of one's life. The whirling of two eccentric personalities around different centers of gravity sooner or later abraid a loving fit although for some time it may include considerable smoke and flying sparks!

To best focus your love in the philosophical aspects of life, mature as a person and behave as a loving soul:

BECOME WARM AND ACCEPTING OF YOUR LOVER -- Perceive the other as a viable and independent personality rather than as a second rate appendage to yourself.

BECOME ENCOURAGING AND SUPPORTIVE OF KEY CHOICES -- Help your lover become more and more knowledgeable and wise about life's opportunities.

BECOME TOLERANT OF LIFE'S INEVITABLE GROWTH FRICTION -- No two persons ever mature at the same rate - one will grow, causing tension and only later will the other catch up.

It's common for psychologists and counselors to recommend we accept the people we love for what they are. However, that isn't good enough for by accepting them as they already are, we may be condemning them to mediocrity. We must accept the persons we help for what they have the potential to become. Don't nag, of course, but help others mature consistently through the channels of fulfillment. Your spouse, your children and your friends and relatives deserve this of you.

Always accept the fact that you can control only one half of a relationship, your half, while your lover controls his or her half. Trying to control another adult's half is a quick step to a relationship disaster for no individual worthy of love and respect will let a neurotic control freak dominate themselves, their children and their choices.

Remember;

The only way two lovers can agree all the time is when one them stops thinking.

The only way to keep an accepting lover is to become an accepting lover.

The fact that we disagree and occasionally quarrel doesn't mean we are not in love.


Two people in the very elastic harness of marriage seldom mature at the same rate and that spells trouble in many relationships. A woman who's been a secretary for twenty years and comes home one evening to announce she's been accepted in a law school program is rocking her family's boat. So is the middle manager who informs his kids, attending an exclusive and expensive private school, that he's taking a year off work to write a novel, that they'll have to attend a public school and stop buying designer clothes.

Growth friction can be compared to movement between the earth's great tectonic plates. The silent, hidden movement can be so slow as to remain invisible for a long time although stresses keep building. Finally, the pressures become greater than the resistance and the landscape lurches into motion as an earthquake. Sometimes windows are broken and crockery smashed. Some long-standing buildings cannot take the strain and they collapse. Just as many marriages do when the relationship cannot stand the changes occurring in them because the lovers mature at different speeds and in different directions.


PROJECT ONE -- LOVE LEVEL IDENTIFICATION

To discover the level of your love for another person, physical, psychological or philosophical, in the pleasure/pain, power/prestige or purpose/permanence aspects of existence, complete this project.

FIRST -- Relax comfortably in a chair or on a bed.

Visualize in your mind the image of the person you now love or most recently loved in an adult relationship. Think of the reasons you loved this person, recall his or her good points in the physical, psychological and philosophical aspects of life. Fix the image of that lover firmly in your mind.

SECOND -- Accept the fact or a terrible tragedy.

Through an automobile accident or an unexpected illness, your lover dies suddenly. He or she is gone - there's no doubt about it. You are left alone. Accept your loss, mourn it deeply, feel frustration and anger but in time you realize you must continue living. There is your job to do and children to love, friends to support -- so you start adapting despite the deep loss.

THIRD -- Receive a great gift from God.

Through the remarkable science of cloning, God offers you a perfect double of that dear, lost lover. The clone is perfect in every detail. He or she looks talks and thinks like the lover, makes love the same way and supports you in the same manner. He or she wants your support also.

There is only one catch in your miracle. You and your newly restored lover didn't share the mutual experiences and relationships you had in the past. Both the good and the bad are missing from the relationship you and your original lover shared. You are starting at square one now.


NOW -- To identify the level at which your current love is operating, transfer your love to the newly cloned lover. Tell how you shall do that.

If you can readily transfer your love to the new lover, your love is operating at the pleasure/pain or physical level.

If your love can be transferred with some new experiences and a growing relationship, it is functioning at the power/prestige or psychological level.

If your love cannot be transferred without an entire galaxy of mutually satisfying experiences, your love is currently at the purpose/permanence or the philosophical level.